Thursday, September 1, 2016
Ugh
Got a call from work last night: They had me on the schedule at 7. My calendar was this week for Thursday, Friday and Saturday, not Wednesday through Saturday nights. Anyway, they told me to keep what I had. I'm sure that I'll get called off one night anyway, the way the census goes in this fucking joint. What a craptacular fucking POS. Three weeks to go and it's waaaay too long.
Monday, August 29, 2016
30 Days and Counting...
I have 30 days left here in Arizona...
I was watching "Fear The Walking Dead" and the character Madison said something about her son, Nick that struck home: She said that he was "lost from the day he was born". I feel like that...or at least...lost. I find myself making the same mistakes in life, over and over. Like someone walking in the woods at night, with no stars to guide them, I feel like I'm walking in circles. I'm 44 and I'm barely into a new career, divorced/divorcing, and have no savings, up to my eyeballs in student loans (because I listened to HER, instead of my own gut), I've moved to Arizona to get away from her and into a job that I loathe. In the process, I've only isolated myself from James. James, who has been the only constant in my life since Shannon and I separated, other than my metal music.
I was codependent on her for much of our marriage. Imagine that? Codependent on a narcissist? It wasn't until the near the end, when I forced the issue of couples' counseling, that I learned to stand up for myself, and started to find my own identity, independent of Shannon, that I really became aware of how badly I had been treated/abused emotionally, controlled, and manipulated.
Even after we separated, I was still being manipulated, though. I took care of James all during the week and worked weekends, in the name of James' well being, knowing that she couldn't do it. I called it "sacrificing" for James. In reality, I was giving her all that she wanted. Free babysitting all during the week, and I had no life. So, when I got cancer, testicular at that, and had surgery, I decided that enough was enough: I had to make a change. Angry at my situation, at Shannon for everything that had been done to me, I felt like I had to get away from her, out from her shadow. I made the decision to take a job in Arizona, with the idea that I would go to graduate school out here, too. I thought that I had the whole thing talked - and thought - through. I didn't realize at the time, that I was making a rash decision out of anger.
So, here I am, in Arizona, getting ready to move back to NC - owing even more money. I have to pay back money to Banner. I owe Mom and Dad money for getting me out here to begin with: I had to live on the money I was supposed to pay them with when I got sick with kidney stones a month after being out here and was out of work for a month and a half. The Unnamed Healthcare Entity has been a huge disappointment (ethical issues, job not what advertised, etc).
I feel like I have let everyone down. From Mom and Dad for doing this to them financially, to James, for leaving him alone with his mother and grandparents and not least, myself. Me, for not realizing sooner, what I was doing, what the reasons behind my thinking were. I should have stayed put.
I try to be introspective, look at what I've done or what I'm doing, and why. I say that Spock is my favorite character from Star Trek, because I identify with his coolness, reason and rationality. I try to be logical like him. Sometimes, however, stupid fucking emotions blind me to the truth...until it's FAR too late. In this case, my anger, frustration...and yes...even hatred...for Shannon, got in the way.
I think that in general, I'm over the hatred towards Shannon: It's not worth my time. Her dad is still a detestable human being - but that's another blog post. I can't be angry about having had cancer. That's not anyone's fault and besides, the only thing that happened is that I lost one testicle. Followup CT scans haven't shown any spread and they at least warned me of having a kidney stone (but NOT the 6 that I ended up with three months after my March 2016 scan).
As I finish typing this, maybe I'm not as lost as I first thought; just a bit depressed and tired (not sleeping for shit lately). I know that I have a long way to go before I'm in a good place mentally. Shannon did leave me with a lot of mental baggage. I've got more work to do to get through that and one of the first things I'm going to do when I get back to Greenville, is pay a visit to one of my old nursing school professors and get a recommendation/referral to a good psychiatrist/therapist.
I was watching "Fear The Walking Dead" and the character Madison said something about her son, Nick that struck home: She said that he was "lost from the day he was born". I feel like that...or at least...lost. I find myself making the same mistakes in life, over and over. Like someone walking in the woods at night, with no stars to guide them, I feel like I'm walking in circles. I'm 44 and I'm barely into a new career, divorced/divorcing, and have no savings, up to my eyeballs in student loans (because I listened to HER, instead of my own gut), I've moved to Arizona to get away from her and into a job that I loathe. In the process, I've only isolated myself from James. James, who has been the only constant in my life since Shannon and I separated, other than my metal music.
I was codependent on her for much of our marriage. Imagine that? Codependent on a narcissist? It wasn't until the near the end, when I forced the issue of couples' counseling, that I learned to stand up for myself, and started to find my own identity, independent of Shannon, that I really became aware of how badly I had been treated/abused emotionally, controlled, and manipulated.
Even after we separated, I was still being manipulated, though. I took care of James all during the week and worked weekends, in the name of James' well being, knowing that she couldn't do it. I called it "sacrificing" for James. In reality, I was giving her all that she wanted. Free babysitting all during the week, and I had no life. So, when I got cancer, testicular at that, and had surgery, I decided that enough was enough: I had to make a change. Angry at my situation, at Shannon for everything that had been done to me, I felt like I had to get away from her, out from her shadow. I made the decision to take a job in Arizona, with the idea that I would go to graduate school out here, too. I thought that I had the whole thing talked - and thought - through. I didn't realize at the time, that I was making a rash decision out of anger.
So, here I am, in Arizona, getting ready to move back to NC - owing even more money. I have to pay back money to Banner. I owe Mom and Dad money for getting me out here to begin with: I had to live on the money I was supposed to pay them with when I got sick with kidney stones a month after being out here and was out of work for a month and a half. The Unnamed Healthcare Entity has been a huge disappointment (ethical issues, job not what advertised, etc).
I feel like I have let everyone down. From Mom and Dad for doing this to them financially, to James, for leaving him alone with his mother and grandparents and not least, myself. Me, for not realizing sooner, what I was doing, what the reasons behind my thinking were. I should have stayed put.
I try to be introspective, look at what I've done or what I'm doing, and why. I say that Spock is my favorite character from Star Trek, because I identify with his coolness, reason and rationality. I try to be logical like him. Sometimes, however, stupid fucking emotions blind me to the truth...until it's FAR too late. In this case, my anger, frustration...and yes...even hatred...for Shannon, got in the way.
I think that in general, I'm over the hatred towards Shannon: It's not worth my time. Her dad is still a detestable human being - but that's another blog post. I can't be angry about having had cancer. That's not anyone's fault and besides, the only thing that happened is that I lost one testicle. Followup CT scans haven't shown any spread and they at least warned me of having a kidney stone (but NOT the 6 that I ended up with three months after my March 2016 scan).
As I finish typing this, maybe I'm not as lost as I first thought; just a bit depressed and tired (not sleeping for shit lately). I know that I have a long way to go before I'm in a good place mentally. Shannon did leave me with a lot of mental baggage. I've got more work to do to get through that and one of the first things I'm going to do when I get back to Greenville, is pay a visit to one of my old nursing school professors and get a recommendation/referral to a good psychiatrist/therapist.
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