I fucking swear

I don't know how I do it. Why do I keep torturing myself? One batshit crazy female after another? All of them? Lori in high school, Susan, Lynnette, Shannon, What's-her-face  in Las Vegas (boy, that was a near fucking disaster. Glad I dodged THAT bullet - cut contact, and left) and now Cecelia. Jesus...this one...ugh. Claims to be pregnant after sleeping together for a week...and she's on Implanon. Too many things just not quite right, here. So then when things go south, two days later, she's taken up with a fucking MARINE?!?! Someone PUH-LEASE tell me how THAT works?

What is it about me that keeps me from finding a normal woman? Is it too much to ask? I mean, shit. No drugs, no narcissism, no sleeping with everything that moves, no fucked up phobias and daddy issues, no wanting a fucking litter of kids. A woman who will let me be ME and not control me, not trying to dress me, change me. A woman who can be my equal, not someone who makes me feel like shit because I'm smarter...or more educated and she's too lazy to want to learn.

I love to learn. I get bored when I'm not learning. Why should I feel stagnant because she doesn't have the capacity to learn or the desire,  or is intimidated by me? That was a big problem with my marriage. Shannon was intimidated by me and my family and had no desire to participate. Then she made me pay for it later.

Is there something wrong with me? What's wrong with me that I can't seem to meet my equal?

I know that I don't make friends very easily. I don't like crowds, I don't like people in general. I only do social stuff where I can control the interaction:  Same interests, etc. I'm an introvert always have been; when I took it in undergrad, my Meyers-Briggs profile was INFP.   Self-fulfilling prophecy? Dunno, but I'd been socially isolated long before that.

I find myself venting my pain playing my guitar, playing the strings a lot harder than necessary:  Digging my fingers in (yeah, I'm still learning and working on callouses, but I still don't need to press that hard).  I play my stereo just a shade too loud. I've hurt my back at work, so I can't vent at Tae Kwon Do in a healthy manner. It's not...really self destructive, just not...healthy, borderline dumb. I know that I should tell someone about all this, too. But I just...can't. I don't cut myself, and the only pain is sore fingertips. I dial back the music pretty quickly, too. It's just a brief...steam outlet? And I can still hear myself talk, so it's not so loud as to be damaging.

All I do know is that one way or another, something has got to give. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I was really blah until I met Cecelia. Then things seemed great. Now I feel like shit.

Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT going to do something stupid. I DO have a son to take care of, after all. I'm certainly NOT going to leave him alone with his mother and that shitty excuse for a human being she calls her father. But that's all another blog entry...and I'm done for now.

I just got home from work. I just feel so fucking dark. I'm glad that I had the pod to myself last night: I don't know if could have dealt with having to be sociable all night. I wanted to punch shit, break something...but more than that it would have been to feel the pain in my hand and take away from the darkness in my head.

I've been like this since I was hospitalized. It's never gone away. It's only here when I'm really depressed, though and I don't usually do anything. I certainly don't do anything that causes permanent damage to myself. I have an aversion to that level of pain. I know it's not healthy, either. But what other outlet do I have, especially right now? To answer my own question, "None".

To paraphrase Metallica, I'm so fucked...