The Flame and The Void

I woke up today for class and the dark feeling that I had when I got home from work was gone.  I didn't feel "normal", just empty. No, not empty.  Detached is a better word:  There's no hole in me.  If I could describe it, I would have to say it's as close to what Robert Jordan described as the Flame and the Void:  You focus on a flame in your mind, then shove all emotions into the flame, burn them up and then you enter the Void.  In his books, those who knew this technique would use it for focusing their concentration.  In this case, I don't know that I would say that I have heightened concentration, but just lack of emotion and better control when something would have been provocative.

I basically had it out with Cecelia tonight.  She called me a child, and made a few other insulting comments regarding parental control.  She has a point, to an extent.  But that extent is that I live in my parents' house; so I live by their rules:  Landlord/tenant.  She's lied to me three times in the last two days, including about finding out about Sarah and how she found out.  Then, she finally admitted tonight that she knew there was nothing there:  She's been grasping at things to be mad at me for.  So, she threw that at me and then finally got to the truth.  I told her that I held no malice, I hoped that he treated her well.  I hoped that he treated her well even after this "honeymoon" period.  I also said that she could always contact me to talk, but that I will leave her alone.  If she wants to talk, she'll have to make the first move.

I also talked with Shannon because I wanted to take James to see Iron Maiden in Charlotte on June 9th (2017).  She made every excuse in the book before finally finding a technical reason to be able to keep me from taking him:  That's the first week after school is out, so that's her week of summer vacation with him.  Such a bitch.  I got to call her out on having overnight guests of the opposite sex while he's there, though.  I jabbed her hard on that, without calling out her boyfriend Alex by name - or letting her know that I knew.  I phrased it as "I'm not giving him drubs or alcohol or showing him porn or taking him to the church of Satan. I don't have overnight guests of the opposite sex when he's here. Just like you requested."  Boo-fuckin'-YA!  Injest excrement and die, twit.

I type that and I felt a slight amount of elation, but it was gone in an instant: It just slid away, like how R. Jordan describes emotions sliding away from Rand al'Thor.  This is the oddest thing.  I've woken up from those black states feeling detached, but it's never lasted long.  Usually it goes away in an hour or two.  It's 0216 on the 26th and I woke up at 1700 on the 25th.

I could grow to like the Void.  It's much nicer for dealing with things that would be emotionally inconvenient, like the two...conversations above.  I'm going to have to practice meditating to find it on my own.  I've done some digging on the Internet and it seems there is some actual basis for RJ's inclusion of it in his books (as I suspected, because nearly everything in his books had some real-world connection).

Enough for now.  Another entry later.

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